Lyra Syndrome

Here comes the most honest post on tumblr (I’m a tad bit high, but I should say this. I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose the few good friends I have by saying this…but I have to.)

This is how I know that I’m messed up:

I know I have a shred of empathy somewhere within me. I SHOULD, anyways.

I have essentially the same story as this girl (except my parents separated only recently, my mother wasn’t jealous, just a power-hungry psychopath, and I was six, not seven).

Of course I am happy that she is starting to get better, that she has people to talk to.

But when I was watching the video, I thought to myself: why the fuck are you crying? isn’t the whole sad-index-card-meme-call-for-attention cathartic enough?

You have had a messed up life. You’re covering it up and going through the motions. Of course, you’re only 16, so maybe I should understand your feelings a bit better. That’s pretty much what I tried to do in high school.Then, once I started college, I completely flipped: I was honest with my friends.

I learned pretty quickly that, regardless of how close anyone is to you, nobody really cares enough to try to do anything.

When I tried telling my mother when I thought she was open to change: “can’t you just get over it? What past is in the past. Quit pitying yourself”

When I try telling my friends: “*placidly nodding* Yeah, you’ve been through a lot… can’t you just get over it? What past is in the past. Quit pitying yourself…You’re fine! Look how well off you are now, you’re acing your classes…you’re pretty much set” Five minutes later: “So,yeah, Abby,  I’m worried that no girl is going to take me seriously… or, I’m going to be single for the rest of my life, or, I’m worried that I’m not going to pass any of my classes, or I’m worried that I’ll never have a job, or I’m worried that no one is going to take me seriously…”

I try being a friend, I really do. I do my best to come up with solutions to their problems. They’ll nod, pretend to listen, and repeat the same thing a few weeks later.

Or idiotic guys who just nod, and continue to get me drunk enough to get to second base with them.

Therefore, I’m going through the motions pretty much myself.I realized that people whom I thought were “friends” just use me as a sounding board to placate their egos. I still am completely loyal to anyone who is my friend…whether they see it or not. I guess I just see them as scaffolds of judgement for me to be socially acceptable.

Therefore, I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I still have a few close friends whom I understand, love, and empathize with, and I am glad for that.

Am I pitying myself? THEN FUCKING FINE. I only have to live for myself anyways. It’s a constant struggle. But the damage has pretty much been done.

(Source: smiles-can-hide-alot)